The Road to Self-Discovery...

    For the first time in a while I feel really really good. And it's not just the oxy numbing the ear-ache I've been having ;) I've always been good at making messes. And they always gotten to the point where I finally feel the need to take control and organize the crap out of them, so I go on a cleaning binge. Just as such, I've finally decided to take control of my depression. Not just to think about doing it. Or to go back on the pills only to stop taking them less than a month later. The mess had gotten to the point where I was getting a bit desperate for organization. So I took a step I had never been willing to take before. I sought out therapy.

   

    It had been used as a threat by my parents when I was younger the "if you cut again we'll make you go". Problem is it doesn't work that way. Therapy is only beneficial if you are willing. I suppose I had always felt that unless someone goes through it themselves they will never truly understand. And to an extent it is true. I also felt the fear of trusting a stranger with my problems, my secrets etc. I've come to the better realization that while a therapist may or may not understand my issues, they can help me work through them, and it's actually nice having an unbiased perspective.

    I would like to clarify a few things before I go further into my road to "recovery" if you will. While there are many classifications of depression there are two *types*. Well I'd even go as far as to say three though the third is... well I'll get to that. The first type of depression is the kind which we all go through at points in our lives, usually marked by some event in life that we eventually move on from. The second is clinical depression marked by chemical imbalances in the brain when combined with life events can become very intense and is reoccurring. The third are those who feel depression and "emo" and cutting are trendy and cry over stupid shit like the fact that their too-long dyed black side-swept bangs are being unmanageable, or their black eyeliner didn't go on right... These people (mostly kids) piss me off. They make it much harder for those who are truly depressed to be taken seriously or feel like they can seek help without being ridiculed. This leads me into the next clarification. While these "emo"-tards seem to have made cutting 'trendy' and do it for the attention, for many with depression that is far from the case. I never did it for attention, it was never a "cry for help" I didn't want to kill myself. While I can't say that I never felt suicidal, I could never have actually done it. The truth of the matter is that physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain and cutting releases endorphines. There also comes a point where you want to know you can still feel... it can also be to punish. I'm not saying that it's right, I'm not endorsing cutting as an outlet by any means. I just feel that people need to understand.

   Back to my main topic now that I'm off my soapbox :) I also decided to go back on my medication. I'm not a huge fan of the idea of being so medicated, which has played a large part in my unwillingness in the past to stay consistent. However, until I get can get better control and work through some of the issues I need to in therapy I feel that it will help supplement my progress.

    I feel like I'm finally starting to be able to better define myself and stop letting others influence how I do it (which in the past has been rather negatively). I'm working through some of my issues and I still have miles to go. But finally starting to see progress has been very liberating and uplifting. I have let go of friendships that have not been equally based and found more of a support system in those that are. I've also for the first time, really truly sworn off guys and it feels fantastic. Nothing beyond innocent flirting. No random drunken make-outs, no dating, just lots of focusing on me and figuring myself out first. I've started to explore my relationship with God more deeply again as well. I feel like He has a lot planned for me and is working in my life right now. Not that I feel I ever drank too much, but I've also scaled back on that too. I still go out to the bars I just do not drink as much/often. Giving up some of these 'vices' has allowed me to have better clarity and re-evaluate. When it comes to people in general I want to work more on interpersonal relationships. Especially with guys. I think that allowing physicality too quickly in a relationship masks some of the important details that go into compatibility. Yep mum tried to tell me that about a year ago, did I listen? Of course not :) these are things we have to figure out for ourselves sometimes.

    Looking back I also realized that I settled in my past relationships. I felt I'd built up this unrealistic facade of what a relationship should be. I was just some silly hopeless romantic. So I settled. What I've come to realize though is that while I may be just some silly hopeless romantic, there is a guy out there somewhere that is exactly like me in that sense. I've already had a glimpse of what it can be like I just have to be patient and not allow anyone to tell me my standards are "too high" anymore.

Like I said, the road ahead is long and rugged but I'm ready to take it on. I just have to learn to trust in myself and God. :)

The things we want to be - and what we are

   I was thinking about everything I wish I could be today. From big to small; life goals and little things about myself. And I realized that there are a million things we wish we could be. And every parent tells their child "you can be what ever you want to be". There is no way to say this without sounding like a pessimist, but the reality is that there are many things we will never be.

    I wish that I could stay more organized. I'm great at getting organized but my fault comes with keeping things that way. I have a tendency to get busy and things get tossed, not put back where they belong, so on and so forth. I also wish that I could get in the habit of flossing my teeth. I can't tell you how many times I've started and not been able to form the habit. I wish I didn't procrastinate so much. I wish I could be truly confident instead of just faking it. I wish I could care less about what people think and more about my own needs. I wish I could talk less and/or more quietly. I wish I could be smarter. I wish I could be more beautiful. I wish I could learn to accept compliments better. I wish I could live free of pain. I wish I could be a fitness trainer to the stars, or an interior designer or a singer. And so on and so forth. But the truth is I may never be some of these things. There's really no way to tell which ones, it's all by trial and error. Some of these things I will achieve, and I'll do so with great satisfaction and joy. And none of them will happen unless I at least try. So while I accept the reality that I am what I am and that to an extent I can never be anything more, I'm also not going to let that stop me from at least trying.

    I think trying is the important part. We don't try things because we are afraid of failure. But without trying we have already failed. Failure to try should be considered far worse than failing to do something. If in the end we were never meant to succeed at something we tried at least we know. And when we do succeed, and we will; it will be satisfying to know we took a risk, we worked hard, and it was worth it.

Haiti, the reality check...

    Most of us never really think about the fragility of life until devastating events occur around us. My heart truly aches for those affected by the 7.0 earthquake that ripped through Haiti this last week. This event hits rather close to home considering that Yvenson Bernard, a former Oregon State Footballer, and acquaintance of mine has been seriously affected. His uncle lost both legs and he just recently got word that his 8-year-old half-brother has been found safe. His parents were both Haitian natives and he has many relatives still living there that he has yet to hear from. I truly admire the fact that he is reaching out not only to those relatives but to everyone impacted in this poorest of countries. I urge everyone to do anything that they can to help. Yvenson's Haiti Relief Fund has been set up with many ways to donate and many locations to donate at. My thoughts and prayers are with Yve as he embarks on his mission the 27th.

    So many of us take for granted the fact that we live in a country that is so rich in not only money but opportunity, technology and access to health care among other things. These people have nothing. Our buildings have strict codes to help withstand earthquakes, many of the buildings in Haiti were barely standing before the quake hit. And while it took a lot of man power and hours and money to get aid to the hurricane Katrina victims, it was far more readily available. Haiti is not only poor, but so isolated. Many have waited days for not only medical care, but basic needs like clean water to drink. The pictures we are receiving are a grounding, heart-wrenching sight. But I believe without these raw reality invoking images, we would not understand the true gravity of the situation. I have been brought to tears each time a new set of images is released. Similar images were withheld during the hurricane Katrina disaster. Perhaps if people had seen the images of bodies floating in the streets tied to sign poles or piled in the streets more people would have been compelled to donate, or travel down to volunteer and it would have happened more quickly. And just the same there is a huge censorship of images from the middle-east, because if we were to see those images people may not support the war nearly as much. Images really do speak volumes.

   The images of those killed by the disaster are not the only shock in this situation. We are seeing once again as we did with Katrina that when put in life or death situations, people will do anything to survive and/or to protect their means to survive. The looting has already begun. I am torn in a situation like this. Those who are looting luxury items are clearly in the wrong. However, when it comes to things needed to survive I have a hard time casting judgement or thinking the police should be arresting these people. We must eat to live and it is in our primal human nature to do what it takes to survive. So many people have lost everything. While I understand the need for shopkeepers to protect their goods as it is their source of money and thus their source of survival, at the same time many people have gone days without food or water while waiting for help to come. Many of these people are stealing so that they can feed their children or those who are still trapped in the rubble of buildings. It truly is tragic.

    Everyone affected by this tragedy has been in my thoughts and prayers. Whether they are families in outside of the country waiting to hear news from family or friends, or the people at the heart of this disaster. I cannot begin to imagine living somewhere that if a quake hit, would crumble to the ground, or where aid would not readily be available. Save for the fact that these people led sub-par lives before this event. They already had a crisis at hand when it came to health care, nutrition, and a highly unstable political and economic situation. We have it SO good in America. But we must also not forget that disaster could strike us at any moment as well. For those like me living in the Northwest, we do still have the ever present threat of earthquakes. I have experienced two mild earthquakes in my lifetime, lucky to have not suffered any adverse results. And growing up in the Seattle area we are from time-to-time, reminded of the looming threat of a volcanic eruption. An event such as that would surely devastate the area. Flooding has also been a very serious issue for smaller regions in the area. For the Midwest the threat is primarily tornadoes and often times drought during the summers. Hurricanes are a yearly threat to those living along the gulf and the east coast... But for all of us, we live in a country with the economic ability to respond to these types of crisis, and aid is far more readily available and abundant. We also have strict building codes to help withstand forces of nature and insurance for those in at-risk areas. For these things we need to be grateful, but still understand that we must appreciate the things we have in this moment for the next it could all be gone... It really puts life into perspective when these things happen.